You Weren’t the Problem You Were the Mirror

Not long ago, my partner and I found ourselves in a familiar emotional rhythm one that neither of us consciously chose, but somehow still knew by heart. The kind where you’re both there, present in the room, yet miles apart. Both of us caught in our own quiet loops of self-doubt, rejection, not enoughness. And even though we love each other deeply, that love couldn’t quiet the old stories rising up in both of us.

In the past, I might have looked outward: If only you would reassure me more, be more consistent, say the right thing at the right time then I’d feel safe. But something in me has softened over the years. I’ve come to understand that the ache I sometimes feel in relationship isn’t something my partner created it’s something they simply reflect back.

That’s the thing about close relationships. They’re mirrors. And if we let them, they’ll show us exactly where the healing still lives.

The Illusion of Being “Fixed” By Love

So many of us carry this quiet hope that love will finally fix the parts of us that hurt. That someone will come along and love us so well, so completely, that we’ll never doubt ourselves again.

But love at least the kind that grows you doesn’t work that way.

Love doesn’t erase your wounds. It shows you where they are. It pulls the discomfort up to the surface so it can finally be seen. And sometimes, that feels less like a fairytale and more like a reckoning.

My relationship has been one of the greatest mirrors in my life. Not because it’s been perfect, but because it’s been honest. It’s revealed where I still grasp for validation, where I abandon myself, where I struggle to believe I’m enough just as I am.

And the more I do my own inner work the more I hold space for my own pain, speak my needs with clarity, and stay curious instead of reactive the more space we both have to breathe.

We’re not here to heal each other. But we are here to see each other clearly. And that, in its own way, is healing too.

Parenting: The Most Honest Mirror There Is

If romantic relationships reflect our hidden wounds, parenting often shines a spotlight on them. There have been moments with my kids moments when I felt myself tightening, bracing, even snapping only to realize later that what got triggered in me wasn’t about them. It was about me.

It was about the little girl in me who didn’t always feel safe expressing emotions. Who learned to stay small, be good, not make too much noise. So when my child is loudly feeling all their feelings without filter or fear it can stir something deep. Not because they’re doing anything wrong, but because they’re embodying something I was once told wasn’t allowed. That’s the mirror. And just like in partnership, parenting invites us to pause, get honest, and tend to the part of us that’s still hurting. Not to shut our children down, but to show up with more capacity, more presence, more grace.

When You Feel Triggered, Try Asking Yourself…

These are questions I come back to often sometimes in a journal, sometimes whispered quietly to myself in the middle of the day:

• What am I really feeling right now?

• What does this moment remind me of?

• What story is playing out beneath the surface?

• Is this reaction mine or is it something I learned?

• What would it look like to offer myself compassion instead of criticism?

• What’s the most loving way I can show up for myself right now?

You don’t have to fix it all in one moment.

You just have to be willing to stay in the conversation with yourself.

What Healing in Relationship Can Actually Look Like

Healing doesn’t always look like deep conversations or big breakthroughs. Sometimes it looks like pausing mid-argument and saying, “I’m feeling scared right now.” Or circling back after a hard moment with your child and simply saying, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t about you.”

It looks like recognizing the pattern before it takes over. Like choosing tenderness instead of withdrawal. Like holding yourself with the same care you wish someone else would offer.

Our people are not responsible for healing our wounds. But when we’re willing to see them as mirrors not enemies, not saviors, just mirrors something powerful shifts.

We stop waiting to be rescued. And we start returning home to ourselves.

A New Kind of Legacy

What I want my children to know, and what I keep reminding myself, is this:

Healing isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. It’s about saying, “This pattern ends with me. ”It’s about meeting the younger parts of ourselves with tenderness so we can meet the people in our lives with more compassion.

Your healing work echoes far beyond you. It shapes the way you speak, the way you listen, the way you love.

It’s not easy. But it matters. And if you’re in this work, you’re not alone. I see you. I’m with you. Keep going.